You can never be sure when it’s going to happen. There you sit, mashing away at your buttons or keys, smiting all manner of men and beasts that dare stand in your way, when you begin to feel…different. A slight tugging begins at your fingertips, creeping ever so slowly up your arms. A tingling sensation spreads through your torso – strange, but not unpleasant. But now your form begins to elongate, stretching towards the screen. Too late, you realize what’s happening.
You’re getting sucked into a video game world.
You have precious few seconds – quickly! Grab the controller! If you’re a rig gamer, and you have a wireless keyboard, SNATCH THAT SHIT! I apologize to anyone stuck in the stone age of wired gaming, rest easy in the knowledge that your death will be pixellated, and may occur several times in the same exact spot. I’m lookin’ at YOU Mario! *angry nerd mumbling*
You have about three minutes between the complete dissolution of your molecules, and fully materializing in the video game world. It’s important to use this time to prepare yourself, so I’ve shortlisted a few items you should consider in this transient state between realities.
Things to Consider
- You are NOT being sucked into the video game you were playing. Video game worlds exist across entire platforms, so you’re essentially entering all games that have ever been put inside one. Insert “Yo mama” joke here.
- DO NOT lose your controller/keyboard. Your actions and movement are bound to it. If you had the amazing sense to cross over with a Power Glove, YOU are fucking awesome, and a pantheon of digital beings is watching over you!
- Never go into the water. Ever.
- See number 3.
As your body completes the transition into any video game world, you will experience some initial moments of nausea, usually accompanied by strong hallucinations. These tend to range in complexity, from the standard, “Hey look, it’s a drink machine in the desert!” to the more involved “I can’t believe I had angry sex with that drink machine!” You should do your best to just sit down during this phase, because as much as that drink machine keeps winking playfully at you, it’s quite possible you’ll wander off a cliff trying to reach it. Stay put!
Once your mind is your own, it’s time to take stock of your surroundings. Recognize anything? If you answered yes, it’s because you’re a good little geek, and played your video games when mom told you not to! This knowledge will help you work through the next phase of the guide, which involves figuring out the rules of your video game world.
Establish the Rules
- Using your controller/keyboard, try to walk left. If you can’t, unfortunately you’re stuck in a classic side-scrolling world, and can only move to your right. This doesn’t mean much in the short term…but eventually you’re going to reach an ocean, and eventually you’re going to have to cross that ocean. Do you know what happens on water in video game worlds? Nothing good! (see Steps 3 and 4 in the Things to Consider section above)
- Walk into someone’s home, grab something breakable, and smash it against the wall. If no one reacts, you can be reasonably sure there is no system of justice in your game world, so let the good times roll! However, if folks get real angry like, and start summoning all kinds of creatures to tear you limb from limb, you’ve just made a pretty horrible mistake! FUCKIN’ BOOK IT!!
- Get into an argument with someone, it doesn’t matter who. If you find yourself frozen in place while the other person decides what verbal spear to toss your way, chances are you’ve ended up in a turn-based game world. I suggest you use this state-out-of-time to reconsider your life choices.
- Stand still for a few minutes. See how you start to randomly look around, maybe sway back and forth a bit? How would you like to do that for the rest of your miserable existence? This is a friendly reminder to NOT lose your controller/keyboard 🙂
Finally, we need to see to your general health and supplies. Take a look above your head, do you see anything that looks like this?
If yes, you should probably start paying attention to it. In most worlds, you’ll hear an annoying beep when this meter runs too low, at which point you should be heading for the closest magical fairy lake. Failing that, the local alchemist will do, though it should be noted they keep regular 9 – 5 business hours, in direct opposition to the frivolous 24/7 opium dens those fairies seem to operate.
With your health sorted out, it’s time to take stock of your supplies. When you crossed over into the video game world, you were automatically assigned some bag space. Where is this bag, you ask? Nobody really knows! The bag simply is, and it’s best not to question your good fortune. Open your bag (don’t ask me how, just open it!), and assess what items (if any) you’ve been provided with. Generally, you’ll have a few pieces of food, a potion or two, and maybe some wood or another resource. It’s worth pointing out that you can carry a ridiculous amount of items and equipment with you in video game worlds. Can’t decide between those ten suits of armour? Take them all! Not sure how much food and water you’ll need? Take a few years worth of each! Don’t think that wagon will fit in your bag? It sure will! My motto in these situation is always, “More is better!”, so hoard, you beautiful bastard, HOARD!
So there you have it! I trust this guide has prepared you enough to face the long road ahead. While on your journey to the exit, and home, try to keep in mind these final few pieces of advice.
Tips and Tricks
- Eat any plants, mushrooms, etc. you come across. You never know when one of them will give you a super power.
- Don’t go around when you can go over! Climb/glitch your way up mountains whenever possible. You don’t need to be a mountaineer, just point your nose to the other side and start hopping!
- See someone or something with an exclamation point hovering over them? Go talk to them! The worst they can do is send you on an annoyingly long and dangerous quest to retrieve some unimportant item, rewarding you with nothing but a few kind words upon your return.
- And finally;
Stay g33ky friends!