Online Dating: A Choose Your Own Adventure

 

You’ve read the stories. A man meets a woman through an online dating site, they hit it off, they get married, they have 2.5 children (one is really short?), and they live a long and happy life together. It all sounds so easy.

So today, you decide, is the day you meet your life partner. It’s a Saturday, but you’ve awakened early nonetheless. A long, hot shower puts you into a near meditative state, and you begin to map out what your dating profile is going to look like. By the time you step out and dry yourself off, you’ve got a solid framework in mind, and images of the virtual ladies lining up at your inbox begin to dance through your head.

You sit at your desk, atingle with anticipation, and open your laptop. You’ve already signed up the night before, and your empty profile page sits before you.

How do you want to approach this?

  1. Clever and insightful »
  2. Funny and charming »
  3. Hot and heavy »
  4. Desperate and needy »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You create a clever and insightful profile for yourself.

Using every last Thoreau quote you can think of, you craft the most thought-provoking profile to ever appear in online dating. Not only does it come complete with a bibliography, detailed illustrations, and an invite to your Appreciation for the Arts mailing list, you’ve also managed to work in several haikus that describe your calm, peaceful nature.

Move forward to the next section »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You create a funny and charming profile for yourself.

Channelling your inner Nathan Fillion, you pump out a profile’s worth of witty commentary, delivered in the relaxed tone of a southern gentleman. Your debonair attitude is as shiny as the silver buckles on your dress shoes (and even they gleam mournfully beside the sparkle of your smile).

Move forward to the next section »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You create a hot and heavy profile for yourself.

In a fit of sexualized insanity, you create the most perverse profile ever conceived. Among your collection of abs and dick pics (none of which are yours), the lone image of your face sees you wearing sunglasses, and performing what you believe to be the greatest “fuck me” expression of all time.

By the time you finish submitting your profile, you’re covered in healthy sheen of sweat, and proceed to make out with yourself in the mirror for an hour. Congratulations, douche bag!

Move forward to the next section »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You create a desperate and needy profile for yourself.

Mustering all of the self-pity you have at your disposal, you hack out a mournfully depressing tale of terrible life choices, distressingly awful luck, and a marriage with the drink. You manage to work in a scathing commentary on the alpha male, all while painting a heart-wrenching picture of the beta. Surely someone out there will read your story, and take pity on your poor, tortured soul.

Five minutes after you submit your profile, the Internet Police show up at your door and beat you mercilessly.

The end.

Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With your glorious profile in place, it’s now time to start searching for that perfect woman. You click on over to the main hub, and simply stare at your screen, stunned – thousands of women are staring back at you! Surely amidst this sea of possibility, your one true love is waiting to be found.

After much searching, you decide to reach out to someone who appears to be exactly the kind of partner you’re interested in. Now it’s time to craft the perfect message! How do you want to go about this?

What kind of message should you send?

  1. Sup?* »
    *Not available to those who created a Clever and insightful or Funny and charming profile.
  2. You type out a single sentence, ending in a question »
  3. You type out a thoughtful paragraph, referring to items in her profile at least once throughout* »
    *Not available to those who created a Hot and heavy profile.
  4. You type out a thesis that accurately conveys your personality, belief system, and life goals, referencing her profile many times. You pose several multiple choice questions to gather as much pertinent data as possible. There may also be a Rorschach test…or three* »
    *Not available to those who created a Hot and heavy profile.
  5. Don’t like your options?
    Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You type the word “Sup?” in a message and hit send.

It’s pretty clear what you’re here for, and quite frankly, you’re going to have no problems finding it. The online dating world is filled to the brim with people simply looking to “Netflix and chill”.

So, congrats! You’ve gotten her attention, and your journey ends here. I trust you’ll spend a long and lustful few days trading STDs with one another.

The end.

Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You type out a single sentence, ending in a question.

Wanting to remain something of a mystery, but still elicit some conversation, you type out a simple sentence, and cap it off with an epic question*.
*Your choice depends on your current path.

You take:

  1. The Clever and insightful path »
    “Hi there. I see you like books! Perhaps one day you’d like to read my dissertation on the growing of herbal teas?”
  2. The Funny and charming path »
    “Good day! You seem like a fun person, wanna grab a drink and thumb wrestle?”
  3. The Hot and heavy path »
    “Sup! Who’s got two thumbs and wants to bone you?”
  4. Don’t like your options?
    Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You type out a thoughtful paragraph, referring to items in her profile at least once throughout.

Wanting to make a good first impression, you take the time to craft the perfect first message. It’s long enough to say, “Hey girl, I care about serious communication”, yet short enough to be assured she’ll read the entire thing*.
*Your choice depends on your current path.

You take:

  1. The Clever and insightful path »
    As articulately as possible, you lay the groundwork for some great conversation. By referencing her profile, and reacting to the things she’s said, you let her know that you’re a sensitive and caring individual, willing to trade ideas and learn together. Well done good sir!
    You gain +5 Intelligence
    You gain +5 Insight
  2. The Funny and charming path »
    True to form, your self-deprecating humour flows as fine ink from a fountain pen. Your message reads as well-mannered and fun-loving, and your attention to the details of her profile will surely impress your potential lady friend. Bravo!
    You gain +5 Humour
    You gain +5 Charm
  3. Don’t like your options?
    Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You type out a thesis that accurately conveys your personality, belief system, and life goals, referencing her profile many times. You pose several multiple choice questions to gather as much pertinent data as possible. There may also be a Rorschach test…or three.

Seriously dude; too much, too soon! Much like the poor, desperate fool in section 1, your attempts at cramming as much of your life story into your first message have put up a huge red flag.

Five minutes after you send the message, the Internet Police show up at your door and beat you mercilessly.

The end.

Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hi there. I see you like books! Perhaps one day you’d like to read my dissertation on the growing of herbal teas?”

You’re not sure if it was your awesome herbal tea line, or she saw something she liked in your profile, but she answers back with a comparably short message. Congrats! It will take you two quite some time to get to know each other at this pace, but if you’re willing to put in the effort, you believe you can secure a first date.

How will you proceed?

  1. I can keep this up forever, bring on the one-liners! »
  2. Now that I’m in, I’ll start to write longer messages to help speed things up »
  3. Are you kidding me? It took all of my wit to come up with that herbal tea line! »
  4. Don’t like your options?
    Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Good day! You seem like a fun person, wanna grab a drink and thumb wrestle?”

Clearly a thumb wrestling enthusiast, she answers back with a comparably short message. Congrats! It will take you two quite some time to get to know each other at this pace, but if you’re willing to put in the effort, you believe you can secure a first date.

How will you proceed?

  1. There are more zingers where that came from! »
  2. Now that I’m in, I’ll start to write longer messages to help speed things up »
  3. I dunno. Without applause and laughter, how will I know if my material is any good? »
  4. Don’t like your options?
    Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Sup! Who’s got two thumbs and wants to bone you?”

“This guy!”

It’s pretty clear what you’re here for, and quite frankly, you’re going to have no problems finding it. The online dating world is filled to the brim with people simply looking to “Netflix and chill”.

So, congrats! You’ve gotten her attention, and your journey ends here. I trust you’ll spend a long and lustful few days trading STDs with one another.

The end.

Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Clever and insightful path.

Way to go you clever and insightful bastard! She responds almost immediately with an equally lengthy message. Over the course of a couple of weeks, you two hit it off fantastically, and proceed to go on a first date that is both intellectually stimulating, and emotionally fulfilling.

Move forward to the next section »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Funny and charming path.

Congratulations you charmingly hilarious beast, you. She responds almost immediately with an equally lengthy message. It turns out, you’re nearly as funny as she is, and the two of you yuck it up for a couple of weeks before deciding to go on your first date.

Move forward to the next section »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can keep this up forever, bring on the one-liners!

Being the complete opposite of clever and insightful, you decide to proceed at a snails pace, and continue to trade small messages with your new lady friend. Over the course of a few months, you two slowly get to know each other, and eventually decide to meet for a coffee. Well done!

Unfortunately, during your extended courting period, she’s also gotten to know a few other gents who are all just as clever and insightful as you are. So while you’ve succeeded in securing that all important first date, you now have to share her attention, and work just that much harder to keep her focused on you.

Move forward to the next section »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now that I’m in, I’ll start to write longer messages to help speed things up.

Being the clever gent that you are, you amp up your game and start to compose longer messages to your new lady friend. Drawing on all of the great thinkers throughout history, you wow her with your insight and good sense.

The two of you discover a real chemistry, and decide to meet sooner rather than later. Bravo, good sir!

Move forward to the next section »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you kidding me? It took all of my wit to come up with that herbal tea line!

Having maxed out the clever things you have to say in very short order, it isn’t long before she realizes you’re kind of a dud. She eventually stops responding to your lame messages altogether, and you can’t really blame her. You stopped being interesting a long time ago.

Better luck next time, champ.

The end.

Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are more zingers where that came from!

Having prepared a hefty list of one-liners well in advance of this moment, you proceed to trade short messages with your prospective new lady friend. Over the course of a few months, you two keep each other entertained just enough to make that first date seem like a good idea.

Unfortunately, during your extended courting period, she’s also gotten to know a few other gents who are all just as funny and charming as you are. So while you’ve succeeded in securing that all important first date, you now have to share her attention, and work just that much harder to keep her focused on you.

Move forward to the next section »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now that I’m in, I’ll start to write longer messages to help speed things up.

Like the charming gentleman that you are, you begin to compose longer, more interesting messages to your new lady friend. Your true colours shine through, and she is unable to resist your debonair attitude.

A couple of weeks later, the two of you decide to go on your first date. Congrats!

Move forward to the next section »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I dunno. Without applause and laughter, how will I know if my material is any good?

Having prepared only enough material for the initial exchange, you find yourself struggling for something to say early on in the game. Things go south when you make a semi-racist joke, and you never hear from her again.

Nice one, ass hat.

The end.

Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And they lived happily ever after?

If you’ve made it this far, my thanks to you for hacking and slashing your way through this choose-your-own-adventure with me. I realize the adventure is woefully short when you take the right path through, but DAMN this post took a long time to write! Please feel free to walk through the mysterious portal and enjoy the other paths of the story before you go.

Ladies, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of the male gender! From what I hear, you guys are bombarded with dick pics and sex requests on a damn near hourly basis, and having to sift through an inbox filled to the brim with such things must get awfully discouraging. We’re not all club-wielding apes, I promise you, so please don’t give up on us 🙂

I spent roughly a month and a half in the wild west that is the online dating world, before deciding it wasn’t really for me. At first glance, it appears to be the perfect place to meet people, providing you with ample opportunity to screen and filter potential matches. However, you quickly realize the entire world is hyper-sexualized, and more geared towards helping people “hook up” than actually finding something meaningful. Thankfully, summer is just around the corner, and I can go out and meet someone like a normal ass person!

Do you have any online dating horror stories, or tales of hope? Please share them below!

Stay g33ky friends!

The end.

Step through the mysterious portal that just opened in front of you »

super hero

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