Blogging101 – Take control of your title and tagline


Day 2 of Blogging101 sees the kind folks at WordPress suggesting I take control of the title and tagline of my blog. There is, of course, one issue I have with this idea.

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CRITICAL ERROR!
Your brain has been overstimulated.
There is an automagic system restore in progress.
Do not panic.
Anyone looking sees you staring blankly into space,
as per usual.

System restarting in 5...
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Day 2 of Blogging101 sees the kind folks at WordPress suggesting I take control of the title and tagline of my blog. There is, of course, one issue I have with this idea.

The title and tagline of my blog are cursed.

This story hearkens back to the dark ages of man; somewhere in that awkward place between the release of the Super Nintendo, and when I started getting hair where I never had hair ‘afore. So, the 90’s. I wasn’t an unpopular lad, though by then I was already an eccentric one.

When I would draw pictures in my notebooks during class, the characters on paper would come to life and speak to me, sharing all the secrets of their two dimensional world. I would send them on missions among my classmates’ work, stealing math answers right off the tips of their pencils, long before the ideas could root themselves in the harsh reality of foolscap. I thrived in that wonderful world of the abstract, of lines and dots, and the bending of shapes to my will. But it was not there that my title and tagline would become cursed.

The greater power I would discover lay in words. With words I didn’t just learn of new dimensions; I could visit them. Reading and writing – TASTING –  the words, I began to see how they were so much more than the sum of their letters. Soon I was joining my friends in 2d land, stealing the math answers myself, and leaving behind a hastily scrawled dick ‘n balls (sans curlies) on their notebooks. Notes, passed hand to hand, would yield to me their secrets, and I could always be found selling the latest “Do you like me?” data in the parking lot after dark. I thought I was elite.

And so enters the first word of my blog name; leet. You can read the totally awesome definition of leet found at Urban Dictionary. It’s a term I used a lot back when I was on IRC all the time. If you don’t know what IRC is, you’re not leet, so don’t worry about it.

Coupled with this new level of brain magic I was discovering, was an embarrassing addiction to all things deemed geeky in the 80’s and 90’s. Back then, it wasn’t the socially acceptable lifestyle choice it is today. Being a geek was considered just a step above being a nerd, and being a nerd was only marginally better than being a dweeb. Even nerds hunted dweebs.

To truly grasp how terrifying a situation this was for me, you have to understand the times. If my social circle had discovered my true status as a geek, then by the laws of the school yard, I would have been branded and thrown in the Sarlacc Pit. Harsh, right?

So, yes; I lived through my formative years enduring a complete and utter fear for my life. I was a geek. And, since using numbers for letters is something leet (or l33t) people started, it seemed a natural progression to change it to g33k.

I, was leet_g33k.

The clouds get dark in this part of the story.
Cue the forbidding music.

Enter the Internet. Not the friendly, text-based internet of my youth, filled with strangers that all somehow got along, even when they didn’t. Definitely not the internet that saw me spend hours downloading a single mp3 on my 14.4k modem (getting booted off when the phone rang), while I HTML’d the shit out of my sweet Geocities website. *sigh*

No, this was a darker Internet. Faster. More cunning. It lured me in with sweet promises. Rich princes in distant lands who had vast sums of money, and all I needed to do was send them a cheque. Pills that would increase the size of my penis a thousandfold, so that I could stride (albeit unsteadily) as a giant among mortal men! Women, women for the taking! Such women as I have seen only in…well, online porn. But women!

My poor, pubescent brain was ill prepared for this powerful onslaught of…immediacy.

And so, just as I became aware of the sinister presence lurking beyond my firewall, the Internet struck with all of its otherworldly might. The curse pierced my brain magics, and laid bare the true power of my name. For a few eternal seconds, I became aware of the great beast that was, and is, the Internet. My will crumpled. I felt a lessening of myself somehow – then blackness.

When I finally awoke, hours later, I knew my name was but a hollow shell of itself. The greatest of my brain magics had been locked away.

It has since been my life’s work to scour the multiverse for new brain magics, all the while seeking to avenge myself upon the almighty Internet.

So NO, WordPress. I will not try to take control of my title and tagline.

I said, “Good day, sir!”
Blogging U.

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